*Insert Deep Meaning Song Lyric Here*

I've been getting cramps in my hands from writing so much the last couple months. 

Barely coherent run on sentences about children and junkies and how much I hate America these days. There is so much that I keep desperately trying to get the fuck out of my head, but I never can be cryptic enough to post on the internet...So instead, I've been a real hermit, sitting here with my own festering brain cesspool. I'm that type that has to tell everyone everything, that's how I deal with life. And I haven't been able to do that.

This year has genuinely been the most intense of my entire existence. For a few reasons.

I lost someone close to me...they're not dead, but it would probably be easier to process if they were. It's really a strange mind sensation to not give a fuck about someone that once meant so much. 

This year I truly learned what maternal instincts feel like and it almost feels dysphoric at times, but also like it's always been there. It feels emotionally normal, but also so incredibly foreign. 

I've learned a lot of shit about me in the last year.

I've learned that most of my anxieties are fucking nothing compared to what 'real life' is capable of doing. I've also learned that I'm 'old and not as cool as I think I am' and I'm fine with that. I'm also repulsively fucking sensitive...weird right?

When you spend most of your life living in a fantasy world of goat farms and worst case scenarios, it feels strange as fuck when 'normal life' is just as weird as all of your delusional ideas. 

For better or for worse, this is the clearest my head has ever been and I'm hoping hard that this clarity is a good thing for me. This is the first time in my life that I've ever thought rationally about my future. I always kinda had a 'fuck it, leave a well preserved corpse' mentality. I'm so much more fucking pragmatic now. And it's so new to me. 

And honestly, what fucks me up the most, is that it took such a weird, and complicated situation for my brain to flip any sort of switch...

I never can get away from fucking junkies. As a kid, one who shall not be named caused suicidal thoughts and ideation... as an adult, another junkie has made me want to really live. To fucking YOLO because someone that I love a whole lot, genuinely needs me to be rational. To be present.

So yeah, aside from all the super heavy shit, Donald Trump is still plunging his Cheeto cock into the asshole of America, and all I can think about are these cheerfully devastated baby nihilists that will inherit such a brutally wrecked country from us 'olds'. 

And that sucks....

But Brandon's started a band with a dude that we're big fucking fans of...
and the only reason we ran into him is because we took some koolkids to a random playground in Nampa. 

Life has a way of making really rad, beautiful shit happen right when you really need to remember that life isn't all grey hair, heart palpitations and way too many cigarettes for one human being to ever consume.

so TLDR;

Life is balls ass crazy but I'm still kickin' and Brandon is making really fucking rad rock and roll in our basement right now, and everything is gonna be alright. I just need to blog more so my brain doesn't explode.

lolz

Cheers.
-Chels