2017 Rambling

I take up a lot of time reading about training dogs and get rich quick schemes and wether or not I should join a local anarchist group. I paint cocks and cunts and think about drinking daily even though I know I can’t afford to do that anymore . I’ve been wondering a lot about simulation theory and how it’s easily possible that we could all just be a special needs aliens’ gateway drug to a participation trophy.  I’ve quit comparing my ability to make art to people who are better, more successful or interesting than I am.

I keep going back to places in my memories to try and figure out if I’m lazy and unmotivated or if I'm really just brilliant and have everything completely figured out. 

I’m constantly looking for shit to sell to avoid the corporate drone. I still fight with trolls on the local news pages just because I want to fight with someone I don’t know. I did quit bitching about the dictator that none of us can do shit about but I’ve come to the unfortunate realization that the government wants us dead just because we mean nothing and we have no money. I’ve been watching my friends throw shit and shade at anything and everyone that disagrees with them. I’ve been doing the same. I’ve distanced myself from people who have the same conversations because repetition is boring and I’m trying to be less self-centered. I’ve been taking lots of pictures of flowers to subconsciously remind myself that life is short and pointless, but pretty and maybe I’m doing exactly what the world needs to see. We’re all just floating on a ball of water and lava fighting about wether a drag queen wearing an afro wig is appreciation or appropriation, completely ignoring the fact that we all hate each other so much that nothing will ever get done or change.

We make art that no one actually looks at or thinks about beyond a clicking a like button on social media. We pretend that matters because we so desperately want to connect with each other, despite our crippling social anxiety.

We all call each other racists and snowflakes on our cell phones but are scared of having real conversations and giving out our phone numbers because we are all constantly in a blanket of anonymity saying things we’d never say in person.  We all sound a lot fucking smarter than we are because we plan out our arguments with Webster tabbed in the corner of our computers and know that if we copy and paste articles it will back up our points. 

Truth is we’re one click away from nuclear war and we still don’t know how to talk to each other without calling out the flaws in our words and we’re all terrified of offending someone, while completely disregarding the actions that are actually offensive and damaging.

We’re in a never ending cycle of fight or flight and we are ignoring the warning signs of complete lack of self control and refuse to really get to know ourselves and each other.